: Back slapped by a non existent omnipotent being

[~*Mz.Chievous*~]

So, today I'm thinking quite a few things. I'm trying desperately to not think about weather or not there is a god, and if he hates me, al? Tertia's post of the day. I'm what, if someone comes up to me and says it's god's will, or god's timing, the most involved and theatrical method of disembowelment would be.

I'm also thinking about the conversation I had (with my mere male) last night regarding my feelings with all of this, and somehow or other (I will complete the mental jump for you in writing a little later) tying that in with grrrl's post and comments in response, to giving up coffee.

Last night I spoke to (MM) about how I feel at this stage in my 'journey' (cough, hack, cough). There was heated discussion and a grudging agreement reached that he, is not at the same point in his 'journey' (pfft) as I am. The vital difference being that he still has hope. Whereas I, have less than no hope, I don't even see the point. I don't believe at this point in time that there is a god, goddess, rhyme or reason. I no longer believe that everything happens for a purpose. I don't believe this cycle will work, because none of the others have (apparently I still believe in logic. huh). And if I believe in none of this, then there was no point to the last 1 year of trying. No point to conceiving. No point to trying the less invasive techniques first, in an attempt to protect my already ravaged body. Absolutely zero point to avoiding eye contact and backing away slowly, a polite smile frozen to my teeth every time someone told me to just 'relax'. I should of just bitch slapped them for fun - it would have made zero difference. All of this is leading me to believe that if there is no point to any of this, then there is no point to anything else either. If I don't want to wake up tomorrow, I don't have to. I proved this to myself On Sunday by sleeping until 1pm, even though I swore a long time ago that I would never do that again because it leads to depression. I figure if there's no point, then I can weigh up my options, and do whatever I damn well feel like without fear of retribution. I can drink four million cups of coffee a day (actually - little known fact - did you know that 75 cups of coffee in one 24 hour period will kill you? What about 74?). I can smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I can get myself such an addiction to Chocolate that the bruising of my veins will be rivaled only by the bruising in my belly (Which hasn't faded in the slightest even though it has been well over 2 months since my last period). I can swear, I can get drunk every weekend, hell - I can even tell my doctors to go and fuck themselves, instead of me.

And it won't make a difference. And for anyone who doesn't believe me when I say it won't make a difference to my chances of trying to conceive, I found out a bit of news that was in the paper the other day.

They have found a new treatment for PCOS - a new and radical treatment that they stumbled across by accident. See, there was a doctor, trained in infertility, who changed his mind and became a specialist in treating drug addiction. He discovered this new treatment, when his heroin addicts patients started falling pregnant left right and centre. It was not, as I immediately thought, the word on the grape vine that the government was giving out 3 grand baby bonuses, no. But the Naltrexone that he had his patients on to relieve their withdrawal symptoms. Naltrexone, he found, can inhibit areas of the brain responsible for controlling the hormone production, and insulin resistance which makes PCOS the bastard that it is. Remarkable.

So there you have it. In one tidy little post, I have managed to sum up, that because smack heads on Naltrexone have their infertility fixed and fall pregnant, I don't believe my coffee / cigarette / chocolate addiction has anything to do with god's plan, particularly as, because of the aforementioned, THERE IS NO GOD.

[wildnthewind]

And then, they were none.
**ponder that** [img]smile.gif[/img]

[The Lady Belle]

Great post sis [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

I know just how you feel about it.

[Lefty]

What are you going to do now?

[The Lady Belle]

Im going to exercise my parental rights by continuing not to have children.

[cherrysmum]

sigh...my daughter lil sam tried invetro 5 times..I watched in horror as her husband gave her those awful shots ..I watched her in torment when the one time she conceived, she lost the baby at the end of the 5th month...I see her going to her girlfriends baby showers with a smile on her face for show, when in her heart is pain....she wants a baby more than anything...and yet there are mothers out there that have no business with a child....she is in the process of adopting a baby..it is taking way too long...we guess the child will be 18 months to two years old by the time DSS stops trying to give it back to its incompetent mother..(who is in jail)...the baby is the nephew of a good friend of mine...and lil sam is going to get the child...but these things just drag on soooo long....I sent your info to her BTW .....and for me, there is a God.

[The Lady Belle]

I have PolyCystic Ovarian Disease. Its full blown and my ovaries are so scarred that the prospects of me ever conceiving are close to nil.

I tried IVF once after going thru years of other treatments where if I did concieve I could have ended up whelping like a dog and having Lord knows how many babies developing at the one time!

No thank you. Id prefer 1 baby at a time please.

I gave the injections to myself when doing the IVF and I thought things were going along fine until I had the first transvaginal ultrasound to see how many eggs were developing. The nurse stopped counting at 55 between 5mm and 20mm and that was just on my left ovary. She didnt count the smaller ones under 5mm.

My ovaries were hyperstimulated from the hormones and on the point of rupturing and if they did burst well I wouldnt be here talking to you right now because I would have died. Thats how bad they were. The nurses and doctors at the clinic wanted me to go to the hospital but I wanted to go home and they told me to stay flat on my back until my ovaries settled down and I had to cease immediately all injections.

As much as I wanted to have children, Im not prepared to kill myself for them and Im very happy with that decision.